Self-Harm

Been there done that and now I'm here telling you it will get better. 

I didn't have the greatest childhood. Sure I had all the toys I wanted and the most beautiful dresses but I didn't have parents. Well they were alive but they weren't with me. My parents divorced when I was about 4 and then my mum moved to another part of the world to live. Back then I was too little to understand things like crisis and money and jobs, I just wanted to have my mum and dad around me. Since my mum wasn't on the same continent as me I was living with my dad for a few years. It was fun at first. We had the most amazing relationship and then shortly after he found a new wife. I wasn't a fan of her, I can't even say I really like her now but alas I had to deal with it. They got married and my brother was born. After some time I left my dads house and moved in with my grandparents. My grandparents were older so they were already on pensions and always at home. To be honest now I am forever grateful with everything they did for me but when I was 11 I didn't understand the generosity . I thought my life was over.  

I wasn't popular at school I had a few friends but not too many. I ditched my piano, well I was still "playing" but I didn't take it seriously. I thought my life was really bad and nobody cares and I just wanted to die. That dark aha. 

So I did stupid things like "cut" my arms. Those weren't cuts those were a little scratches. Not gonna lie I was scared. I was scared to cut my veins and die. But I wanted to die. Go figure. They didn't even bleed. And I still have the scars. Sure they are hardly visible but they are there and some people notice them. Also a camera picks them up too if I do a close up shot. 

Of course my grandma noticed them and bam everyone in the family knew about the cuts and suddenly I was in a centre of attention. 

Not gonna lie that attention felt fake. I got everything I wanted, I went to see my mum although we didn't have that much money to spare. However, I never got the nitty gritty to what exactly it was that made me self harm. I just did it because of attention. And to be honest I think I had another reason but I still don't know what it is. 

Now I am on a train journey to work with a home waiting for me after work and a really comfortable bed. Drawers full of make up and my own very exciting wardrobe. I go to university and I have lots of good friends that would do anything for me. It does get better, you get responsibilities, and memories to treasure, you enjoy certain moments of your life and you look forward to make new moments and momories. You find hobbies and interests. 

If I had an advise - is to get down with what it is that is bothering you. Find someone to talk to. Anyone, a friends, a parent , a teacher. I had many amazing teachers that I still love and I wish I had spoken to them. Or even seek doctors help. It is better to find the problem than suppress it and then later on in life you still going to have to deal with it if you want a happy life. Probably at that time that little problem was so small that you could fix it with only one sentence. However, when you grow and suppress it it becomes a huge huge problem that you might not even find a root of when you are grown. 

Form my own experience talking and telling people what is wrong is usually the solution to every problem. Yes some people might be offended or hurt for some time because nobody wants to receive a negative comment but they soon will get over it and may even respect you more. And some people don't even know that they are hurting you. If You can't read their minds so how can they read yours? 

I'd say stop the thoughts and look forward. You will get hurt so many times in life but you will always get up and get moving. That's just how it is. If you are rushing somewhere you just go past or even push all the slow walking people and reach your destination. This will happen with you when you get down. You have to push past everything and move on, you have a destination. I must say that getting over self harm doesn't mean my life is hearts and flowers. I have my worries too and my down days and angry days. I never have the self harm thoughts though. They are gone just like my teenage years. 

Please believe in yourself! You are the best version of you and you are unique and the only one in this world. 

It's easy to kill yourself but it takes blood and steel patience to go through life and you'll find it I promise! And then you will look at this little period of your life and think why were you so stupid! Honestly it is not worth the scars and tears and memories!!! 

Yours Izabele 

Xoxo