Self-Harm

Been there done that and now I'm here telling you it will get better. 

I didn't have the greatest childhood. Sure I had all the toys I wanted and the most beautiful dresses but I didn't have parents. Well they were alive but they weren't with me. My parents divorced when I was about 4 and then my mum moved to another part of the world to live. Back then I was too little to understand things like crisis and money and jobs, I just wanted to have my mum and dad around me. Since my mum wasn't on the same continent as me I was living with my dad for a few years. It was fun at first. We had the most amazing relationship and then shortly after he found a new wife. I wasn't a fan of her, I can't even say I really like her now but alas I had to deal with it. They got married and my brother was born. After some time I left my dads house and moved in with my grandparents. My grandparents were older so they were already on pensions and always at home. To be honest now I am forever grateful with everything they did for me but when I was 11 I didn't understand the generosity . I thought my life was over.  

I wasn't popular at school I had a few friends but not too many. I ditched my piano, well I was still "playing" but I didn't take it seriously. I thought my life was really bad and nobody cares and I just wanted to die. That dark aha. 

So I did stupid things like "cut" my arms. Those weren't cuts those were a little scratches. Not gonna lie I was scared. I was scared to cut my veins and die. But I wanted to die. Go figure. They didn't even bleed. And I still have the scars. Sure they are hardly visible but they are there and some people notice them. Also a camera picks them up too if I do a close up shot. 

Of course my grandma noticed them and bam everyone in the family knew about the cuts and suddenly I was in a centre of attention. 

Not gonna lie that attention felt fake. I got everything I wanted, I went to see my mum although we didn't have that much money to spare. However, I never got the nitty gritty to what exactly it was that made me self harm. I just did it because of attention. And to be honest I think I had another reason but I still don't know what it is. 

Now I am on a train journey to work with a home waiting for me after work and a really comfortable bed. Drawers full of make up and my own very exciting wardrobe. I go to university and I have lots of good friends that would do anything for me. It does get better, you get responsibilities, and memories to treasure, you enjoy certain moments of your life and you look forward to make new moments and momories. You find hobbies and interests. 

If I had an advise - is to get down with what it is that is bothering you. Find someone to talk to. Anyone, a friends, a parent , a teacher. I had many amazing teachers that I still love and I wish I had spoken to them. Or even seek doctors help. It is better to find the problem than suppress it and then later on in life you still going to have to deal with it if you want a happy life. Probably at that time that little problem was so small that you could fix it with only one sentence. However, when you grow and suppress it it becomes a huge huge problem that you might not even find a root of when you are grown. 

Form my own experience talking and telling people what is wrong is usually the solution to every problem. Yes some people might be offended or hurt for some time because nobody wants to receive a negative comment but they soon will get over it and may even respect you more. And some people don't even know that they are hurting you. If You can't read their minds so how can they read yours? 

I'd say stop the thoughts and look forward. You will get hurt so many times in life but you will always get up and get moving. That's just how it is. If you are rushing somewhere you just go past or even push all the slow walking people and reach your destination. This will happen with you when you get down. You have to push past everything and move on, you have a destination. I must say that getting over self harm doesn't mean my life is hearts and flowers. I have my worries too and my down days and angry days. I never have the self harm thoughts though. They are gone just like my teenage years. 

Please believe in yourself! You are the best version of you and you are unique and the only one in this world. 

It's easy to kill yourself but it takes blood and steel patience to go through life and you'll find it I promise! And then you will look at this little period of your life and think why were you so stupid! Honestly it is not worth the scars and tears and memories!!! 

Yours Izabele 

Xoxo

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

I always get inspired to write posts in my everyday life. This one is going to be a little different and maybe it's one of those posts people like to do - ' A message to my older self '. 

I wanna talk about love. Because I get this "big" opportunity to travel a lot whether it's to uni or to work or just a casual getting home from hanging out with friends I get to see glimpses of love among people. I am that person that loves looking at people's relationships. I love seeing people interact and I love seeing how they are in their relationships and their private jokes. It just warms my heart, that in this world full of cruelty and unknown we still find happiness in ones smile. 

I saw this couple, a man was taking photos of his lady. I must say those pics where stunning. He tried capture her in her natural habitat rather than get her to pose. When she was scrolling through the her phone she was aware that he took pictures of her and that made her smile which made me smile too! I could feel their warm love in the carriage and I thought how beautiful it is. 

I am not just talking about relationship love, friendship love can be as strong and as warm too. We have dreams and views on how love could be and should be but what do we know? We have different friends and we treat them differently maybe we also love them more or less depending on the person. We cannot say that the love we feel for someone will be the same for the other. But what we can say is that it brings the same happiness and joy. 

What I really wanted to say by this post is look at your friends or partners or parents and feel the love. That is certainly what I need to work on. Just see this magical and joyous thing that is in the air and really appreciate it. And for those who haven't found their better halves, just observe peoples relationships and hope that one day you can make someone smile they way these people are making you smile. I will sure be waiting for my half and hope to create a warm world around us! 

Yours Izabele 

xoxo

Let the Love Find You.

Here's another post about self-help books and my realisation through them. They do work though. 

I am currently reading 'Feel the fear and do it anyway'. I have read quite a bit of the book and then I completely forgot about it for a long time, now I feel like it's the right time to read and finish this book. I am very anxious person and I actually care what people think of me because I wasn't liked when I was a teenager so the feeling is still there. When it comes to performing I get the worst performance anxiety and it takes away my performance, which is bad. 

This book covers a lot of aspects and if you need a kick in your butt - read it! But one thing that I realised from it is that I don't let people love me. 

LET PEOPLE LOVE YOU! Just let them.

I have quite lovely (in physical terms) mother and I know she cared but sometimes I see that as overly protective love which really puts me off and for what? My step dad loves me too and he tries to go somehow about it but I just have a big fat concrete wall and I don't let anyone to break it and then I complain that no one loves me. But how can someone show love to me when I push it without giving a try. 

There is a lot of reason why I am this way but what I'm trying to work towards now is to destroy the wall I have built and to just let the love come in, in whatever form parent, friend, crush, enemy it might be. I wish you the same. Why destroy yourself with worrying and feeling not loved when you try to shut the love you receive through your friends and parents? Seems illogical doesn't it? 

So don't do it!  

Yours Izabele

xoxo

Quotes I Love

Now that we live in a world that internet is always with us, you tend to store up a lot of information. Quotes is a favorite of mine to store. I wanna share a few quotes I have acquired and love. 

Yours Izabele 

xoxo

Doing Good

Yesterday I was on the train from work when a few stops later a girl around 22 years old got on the train crying. I'm guessing it's boyfriend/girlfriend relationship situation although I could be wrong.

She was crying so much I felt the urge to give her some tissues but I knew that I didn't have any. She pulled her hoody up as if she just wanted to be on her own and imagine that no one is on the train. She still kept on crying. I felt so bad I really wanted to talk to her but I knew it wasn't my place to say anything. The man sitting next to her took out his handkerchief and gave it to her. She instantly smiled and said thank you; it warmed my heart so much. I legitimately wanted to stand up and shake his hand. 

A few minutes later she was still crying and you could tell that he really wanted to say something but he didn't know how to approach such a conversation. When he was about to get off the train he stood up and staid 'Good luck.' It melted my heart. Please let there be more people like that! 

P.S. I really wanted to share this with you, if you had experience any kind gestures from other please share!

Yours Izabele 

Xoxo

Hand Written Letters

Slow mail

I'll start with a little story. 

When I left my country to live in London my friend asked if anyone in the class wants to write a letter to me for my birthday so she can post it. I must say I got A LOT of letter that time and they were so overwhelming. It was my birthday and there were a lot of nice wishes and memories shared in these letters. Then when I got back to my homeland for a holiday I met up with my really good friend and she said that writing a letter to me was as if she was talking to me so we exchanged our addresses and started writing letters to one another. 

Some of them would be a surprise letters, of some we would tell each other. The wait was about a week but the content was sooooooo worth it. Then we would spray our letters with perfume so when we read them the smells would reminds of one another. 

It is an amazing opportunity to do that. The emotions, I cannot even explain how it felt. You miss your friends so much and you'd wish you were there to experience certain things. It is just amazing. 

Sometimes I'd send her cute little presents or last time I sent to her 10 letters in one where it said open when something happens like sad, angry, when in need of motivation. It was a bit hard to write them because you'd end up writing pretty much the same thing or you would never stop encouraging. There was a letter that said open when you miss me and it just had many of our fun memories. It was emotional just writing it. 

It really does feel like you are talking to a person about it and it is amazing to experience that. Your heart really feels warmed up and full of love . 

If you haven't tried it yet do it now! Find a friend to exchange letters with. Or find people on the internet to have slow mail with, just be careful not to share your address too much. There are a lot of creepy people too. Be careful.

Yours Izabele 

Xoxo

Confidence

Confidence

I suppose everyone has confidence issues. Whether those issues arose from bullying is another topic. 

We have issues because our hair isn't as full, or as shiny, or curly, or straight, as the girls' on the bus next to us. Because models have perfect bodies and we don't. Because our faces don't look how we want them to look. Because certain make up look doesn't suit us. Or because there are other flaws that we might have. 

Look at yourself in the mirror and tell me that there isn't a thing you don't like? Your eye colour? Your nose shape? Your lips? What about those dimples or freckles? Hair? No? There must be a thing, it could be the smallest feature that you like! Nails, fingers, toes, legs, arms? 

Well if there is then you are one step into loving yourself. If there isn't then look closer. 

Now look deeper: smile, make a goofy face, make angry expression, found any new features you like? Or did that made you laugh? (Which is also loving yourself.)

If mirrors can show our beauty why do we choose to only see the bad things? Why do we compare ourselves to other? Why do we think people with a better body or prettier face have a better/happier life? Because I can guarantee you that they don't. 

Only if person is truly in love with themselves would he see how amazing and worthy he is. 

So stop comparing yourself to photoshopped magazine models, or pop starts. They are in the industry there they have to look a certain way so they can show what designers preach to make you buy the things and what the things that they design and wear. It is all just the image and your envy. Everything has to be looking perfect so YOU would buy their clothing or accessory they WANT you to buy.

There is so much more to you than looks, see that in yourself and no matter what magazines you read or mean comments you get you must believe in yourself. You are unique. You are the only one in this world. See yourself as worthy no matter how many times you've been criticized by anyone - because that is you. Worthy and beautiful. 

Yours Izabele

xoxo

Song

Music.

Music is my life. Music was in my life since I can remember and over the year I managed to acquire a very strange taste. I like everything. I am an old school music kid I still think it's the best music because it's dance it can make you feel things or just relax while you sing along to the tunes you now so well. Then when I started piano lessons I got into classical music and I still am very much into classicals. 

I think the hardest part of liking so much music is to have your favorite group/artist/band. Now I found quite a few that I will love forever and I love everything of them Pentatonix that is. It is an accapela group that started by doing a lot of covers and now is releasing their original album. 

At first they were good with covers but now I feel like they grown so much and found their voice so doing covers is just not enough for them, they are so much better than that. Can't Sleep Love  is their first single released from the new album and I LOVE IT SOOOO MUCH!!!! 

It's upbeat and sassy and dancy and ohhh my their voices...... 

If you have been living under a rock and never heard of them GO AND LISTEN TO THEM NOW!!! They are definitely worth your time and I can guarantee you you will like them. 

Here's a link to Can't Sleep Love : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFCxiKXtKTI 

Watch it, Enjoy it, Love it, Cherish it. 

Yours Izabele

xoxo