Self-Harm

Been there done that and now I'm here telling you it will get better. 

I didn't have the greatest childhood. Sure I had all the toys I wanted and the most beautiful dresses but I didn't have parents. Well they were alive but they weren't with me. My parents divorced when I was about 4 and then my mum moved to another part of the world to live. Back then I was too little to understand things like crisis and money and jobs, I just wanted to have my mum and dad around me. Since my mum wasn't on the same continent as me I was living with my dad for a few years. It was fun at first. We had the most amazing relationship and then shortly after he found a new wife. I wasn't a fan of her, I can't even say I really like her now but alas I had to deal with it. They got married and my brother was born. After some time I left my dads house and moved in with my grandparents. My grandparents were older so they were already on pensions and always at home. To be honest now I am forever grateful with everything they did for me but when I was 11 I didn't understand the generosity . I thought my life was over.  

I wasn't popular at school I had a few friends but not too many. I ditched my piano, well I was still "playing" but I didn't take it seriously. I thought my life was really bad and nobody cares and I just wanted to die. That dark aha. 

So I did stupid things like "cut" my arms. Those weren't cuts those were a little scratches. Not gonna lie I was scared. I was scared to cut my veins and die. But I wanted to die. Go figure. They didn't even bleed. And I still have the scars. Sure they are hardly visible but they are there and some people notice them. Also a camera picks them up too if I do a close up shot. 

Of course my grandma noticed them and bam everyone in the family knew about the cuts and suddenly I was in a centre of attention. 

Not gonna lie that attention felt fake. I got everything I wanted, I went to see my mum although we didn't have that much money to spare. However, I never got the nitty gritty to what exactly it was that made me self harm. I just did it because of attention. And to be honest I think I had another reason but I still don't know what it is. 

Now I am on a train journey to work with a home waiting for me after work and a really comfortable bed. Drawers full of make up and my own very exciting wardrobe. I go to university and I have lots of good friends that would do anything for me. It does get better, you get responsibilities, and memories to treasure, you enjoy certain moments of your life and you look forward to make new moments and momories. You find hobbies and interests. 

If I had an advise - is to get down with what it is that is bothering you. Find someone to talk to. Anyone, a friends, a parent , a teacher. I had many amazing teachers that I still love and I wish I had spoken to them. Or even seek doctors help. It is better to find the problem than suppress it and then later on in life you still going to have to deal with it if you want a happy life. Probably at that time that little problem was so small that you could fix it with only one sentence. However, when you grow and suppress it it becomes a huge huge problem that you might not even find a root of when you are grown. 

Form my own experience talking and telling people what is wrong is usually the solution to every problem. Yes some people might be offended or hurt for some time because nobody wants to receive a negative comment but they soon will get over it and may even respect you more. And some people don't even know that they are hurting you. If You can't read their minds so how can they read yours? 

I'd say stop the thoughts and look forward. You will get hurt so many times in life but you will always get up and get moving. That's just how it is. If you are rushing somewhere you just go past or even push all the slow walking people and reach your destination. This will happen with you when you get down. You have to push past everything and move on, you have a destination. I must say that getting over self harm doesn't mean my life is hearts and flowers. I have my worries too and my down days and angry days. I never have the self harm thoughts though. They are gone just like my teenage years. 

Please believe in yourself! You are the best version of you and you are unique and the only one in this world. 

It's easy to kill yourself but it takes blood and steel patience to go through life and you'll find it I promise! And then you will look at this little period of your life and think why were you so stupid! Honestly it is not worth the scars and tears and memories!!! 

Yours Izabele 

Xoxo

Time managment

Trying to juggle two jobs and a university with loads of deadlines and practising schedules as well as horrible London transport is hard. Babysitting gives me time to update thing like my blogs or twig little bits of my assignments but it doesn't give enough time to really concentrate on my work.
To do assignments on the go is hard too. If I got to go to uni or my other work I spend about 3 to 5 hours just travelling. Thank God that some of my assignments are very personal and I can write them up whilst I am travelling. However, some assignations require a lot of research or a piano which I cannot do on the go. I would also need to carry around things like laptop and really heavy books with me and I don't wanna take into my work as I don't work at the office and wouldn't have anywhere safe to keep them. What I am hinting here is that you have to plan every minute of every hour of your day.
If you need to do a lot of work and you just cannot find the time you have to analyse your time and make some changes.
I love writing on the trains. I feel like the movement of the train makes my thoughts flow faster. I know some people get travel sickness and that is absolutely fine, well being sick isn't but it is okay if you can't use your time on the go to write a few things up. I'd say if you have a travel sickness think a lot about your work or how you could do this job or the other. Some of these thoughts you will forget but other thoughts you might remember especially if you working on projects where you have to be creative. Take whatever is around you into your creativity zone. A woman's shirt might give you an idea of what background to use for you art work, well you catch my drift.
I also like to read on the trains too. If I am super desperate for having some me time and fell like I got to read something I would do it on the train. If I have to read a book for my uni assignment I might also read the book on the train and mark little important bits that I might need. This way I feel like I am not waisting any time because when you have to sit for 50 minutes in one spot doing nothing you start to feel as if you have 12 hours in a day instead of 24.
I think time keeping has become really hard as we have our phones and internet is everywhere we go and we don't notice that we just scrolled through the entire pintrest feed which took us 30 minutes.
My advice is that you should really think about your time, make notes on you calender. You will always have time to be on the internet or your phone just don't make you phone a priority.
Another piece of advise is to start right now. If you have any major things to do, manage the time of your day when you are working on it. When you give yourself a specific time you can finish your jobs in time as well as have some time for yourself. Just kick yourself in a butt and do it!
Once you figure out how to manage your time what little things you can include in hours where you not doing anything or doing very little you will be a lot happier.
It will make it look as if you have longer days and you will stress less. You can go to bed at a normal time and you will have everything under control.

Tell me how you manage your time? how do you cope?

Yours Izabele
xoxo

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

I always get inspired to write posts in my everyday life. This one is going to be a little different and maybe it's one of those posts people like to do - ' A message to my older self '. 

I wanna talk about love. Because I get this "big" opportunity to travel a lot whether it's to uni or to work or just a casual getting home from hanging out with friends I get to see glimpses of love among people. I am that person that loves looking at people's relationships. I love seeing people interact and I love seeing how they are in their relationships and their private jokes. It just warms my heart, that in this world full of cruelty and unknown we still find happiness in ones smile. 

I saw this couple, a man was taking photos of his lady. I must say those pics where stunning. He tried capture her in her natural habitat rather than get her to pose. When she was scrolling through the her phone she was aware that he took pictures of her and that made her smile which made me smile too! I could feel their warm love in the carriage and I thought how beautiful it is. 

I am not just talking about relationship love, friendship love can be as strong and as warm too. We have dreams and views on how love could be and should be but what do we know? We have different friends and we treat them differently maybe we also love them more or less depending on the person. We cannot say that the love we feel for someone will be the same for the other. But what we can say is that it brings the same happiness and joy. 

What I really wanted to say by this post is look at your friends or partners or parents and feel the love. That is certainly what I need to work on. Just see this magical and joyous thing that is in the air and really appreciate it. And for those who haven't found their better halves, just observe peoples relationships and hope that one day you can make someone smile they way these people are making you smile. I will sure be waiting for my half and hope to create a warm world around us! 

Yours Izabele 

xoxo

Let the Love Find You.

Here's another post about self-help books and my realisation through them. They do work though. 

I am currently reading 'Feel the fear and do it anyway'. I have read quite a bit of the book and then I completely forgot about it for a long time, now I feel like it's the right time to read and finish this book. I am very anxious person and I actually care what people think of me because I wasn't liked when I was a teenager so the feeling is still there. When it comes to performing I get the worst performance anxiety and it takes away my performance, which is bad. 

This book covers a lot of aspects and if you need a kick in your butt - read it! But one thing that I realised from it is that I don't let people love me. 

LET PEOPLE LOVE YOU! Just let them.

I have quite lovely (in physical terms) mother and I know she cared but sometimes I see that as overly protective love which really puts me off and for what? My step dad loves me too and he tries to go somehow about it but I just have a big fat concrete wall and I don't let anyone to break it and then I complain that no one loves me. But how can someone show love to me when I push it without giving a try. 

There is a lot of reason why I am this way but what I'm trying to work towards now is to destroy the wall I have built and to just let the love come in, in whatever form parent, friend, crush, enemy it might be. I wish you the same. Why destroy yourself with worrying and feeling not loved when you try to shut the love you receive through your friends and parents? Seems illogical doesn't it? 

So don't do it!  

Yours Izabele

xoxo

Quotes I Love

Now that we live in a world that internet is always with us, you tend to store up a lot of information. Quotes is a favorite of mine to store. I wanna share a few quotes I have acquired and love. 

Yours Izabele 

xoxo